I don't have anything really to update. I have to go have blood work to make sure my HCG is back to 0 sometime this week. I'm pretty sure it is after the horrible contraction like pain and heavy bleeding last week. I've had no more spotting since. I'm pretty proud of my body for doing what it was suppose to do after it realized the baby shouldn't stay. Normally I have to have d and c's.
I'm looking forward to my appointment but also scared. I don't want to hear they can't do anything for me. Keep trying til you have one.
And I'm currently not able to have sex. They said we couldn't get pregnant until after the appointment for them to help. Whenever my husband and I think about having sex, I end up pregnant. Sometimes I feel like just throwing caution to the wind. Maybe just maybe it was all bad luck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Do I really want answers?-Recurrent Miscarriage
I'm less than 20 days away from my RE appointment. I'm scared. I'm scared at what they will find, I'm scared they will tell me I won't be able to have baby number 3, I'm scared they won't find anything. I truly hope that there is nothing wrong and I just happened to have 4 miscarriages that were all totally different. That each one was caused by normal reasons and that we are just statistically unlucky. I want to hear you will be able to have a thousand more babies and NEVER have another miscarriage again. I know this is very unlikely. I know that if they don't find something that I will be told to keep going and eventually, maybe I might have another.
I've searched the internet a million times trying to find answers. There are so many possibilities of what could be wrong. I just hope if we find out that it is treatable. And I don't want to have to do IVF. I don't want to spend that kind of money when we can get pregnant.
So I wait. I wait until my next blood draw on Monday to see if my hcg is down to normal. I started heavy bleeding again Weds. and now back to spotting. Hopefully my body took care of it now. This sucks.
I've searched the internet a million times trying to find answers. There are so many possibilities of what could be wrong. I just hope if we find out that it is treatable. And I don't want to have to do IVF. I don't want to spend that kind of money when we can get pregnant.
So I wait. I wait until my next blood draw on Monday to see if my hcg is down to normal. I started heavy bleeding again Weds. and now back to spotting. Hopefully my body took care of it now. This sucks.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Recurrent Miscarriage-A Secret Society?
I'm not sure what it is about miscarriages, but nobody speaks of them. I've seen friends on Facebook announce pregnancies as soon as they find out. And then nothing. 9-10 months will go by and it hits me that they never announced the sex of their baby or the birth of their baby. I never say anything because like I said they are Facebook friends, friends from the past, people you don't speak with on a daily basis. My guess they have had a loss. Why do they not post. "We lost our baby." Probably the same reason I don't post, I'm pregnant. I feel like it's private. Why do I? I don't know why. My first miscarriage we told everybody under the sun we were pregnant. EVERYBODY. When we lost it at 8 weeks, I was sad, mad, embarrassed. I dreaded people asking me about it because I would cry right in front of them.
I think we hide because we hurt. But I think by us hiding people are very dismissive of the problem. I've heard...it wasn't a baby, you'll have another if it's god's will, you have 2 children at least. The list goes on and on. We had hope. Just like you had hope when you found out you were pregnant and went on to deliver that child. We think about what it will look like, what it will be when it grows up, what color will we paint the nursery, what are we going to name it...just as you do, but then the rug is ripped out from underneath us, for no reason what so ever. We are left with a hole in are heart, an empty uterus, and an empty heart. I'm not sure how to alleviate the problem. I doubt there is a way. People are insensitive to miscarriages for whatever reason until they have one themselves.
And on a medical note, my HCG is down to 65. I wish it was 0.
I think we hide because we hurt. But I think by us hiding people are very dismissive of the problem. I've heard...it wasn't a baby, you'll have another if it's god's will, you have 2 children at least. The list goes on and on. We had hope. Just like you had hope when you found out you were pregnant and went on to deliver that child. We think about what it will look like, what it will be when it grows up, what color will we paint the nursery, what are we going to name it...just as you do, but then the rug is ripped out from underneath us, for no reason what so ever. We are left with a hole in are heart, an empty uterus, and an empty heart. I'm not sure how to alleviate the problem. I doubt there is a way. People are insensitive to miscarriages for whatever reason until they have one themselves.
And on a medical note, my HCG is down to 65. I wish it was 0.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Wait
I started bleeding last Sunday. I am currently down to just spotting. I went in this morning for my HCG draw to see where we are. I'm praying it's close to 0. My body is so screwy though I wouldn't be shocked if it is still 333. I can't believe we are still trying to have baby number 3. I never imagined this happening in a million years. It's heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. Now I just want answers and to try again. I'm having a random pain on the right side right now. I wonder if I'm trying to ovulate even though I'm still spotting. We won't be trying again until probably December.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Our Story
I have had 6 pregnancies. I have 2 children. Our batting average is less then perfect and I'm pretty sure I would be traded to a new team if this were baseball.
My amazing husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have been married for 4 years. He was deployed overseas for a little over a year. We were not married at the time. He surprised me that he was coming home a couple weeks early. I was suppose to start AF the day he was coming home. I was on birth control pills so I immediately started a new pack. My cycle went crazy at that point. But thankfully I was able to push AF off for a few days so I could welcome him back properly. He was home for 3 days then had to go back to finish his exit process. So once he left I stopped my pills and allowed AF to visit and tried to start a new pack after. We were married a few weeks later. Off on our honeymoon we went. We flew to Honolulu and had the most amazing time. It was beautiful and perfect. But I knew in the back of my head AF was suppose to show. But she had not. I said something to my dear husband and he was like lets get a test. That would be awesome to find out on our honeymoon. We went to a little convenient store on a corner near our hotel bought a HPT and that is where our journey begins. I pee'd on that little stick. And I had a big fat positive test. I showed him. I cried. He was ecstatic.
Fast forward a week, once we arrive back I had the smallest amount of blood when I wiped. I cried again. I called the OB. Nothing they could do but wait until I could have an ultrasound. At 6 1/2 weeks we had an ultrasound. There it was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. Our baby. It's little heart just fluttering away. We had a sigh of relief. We received the lecture of "After you see the heartbeat your chances of miscarriage are slim." If only that applied to me. I am officially the one always in the the percentage. We had moved away from our home state where are family was. We were 6 states away. I was on the phone with my mom, standing on our deck, and I felt it. A sudden gush like I had peed my pants. I was 8 1/2 weeks. I told my mom I had to go. Walked in the bathroom without saying anything to my husband, praying the whole time that I had actually peed my pants. But there it was, brown blood. Oh but brown blood is old blood they said on the phone. You are fine. We can have you come in for an ultrasound on Monday. It was Saturday. I went to the E.R. the next morning. I knew. They did the ultrasound. Of course the tech didn't say a word. She left and the wonderful butthead dr. came in. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat. These things happen. Try again. And off we were sent to my OB. I went into the office. I checked my cervix. Said it was closed. We needed to do a d and c. I was all for it. I couldn't imagine carrying a dead baby inside me for weeks. I had become accustomed to touching my belly. Now when I did it on accident I would cry. I had my d and c within 2 days of finding out. Never had anymore spotting or bleeding from the initial gush.
I cried a lot. Searched the end of the internet. Was I going to be able to have babies? Was it really just a fluke? How could this happen? Why can't I stay pregnant? The OB office didn't follow my hcg levels down to 0. About 5 weeks after my procedure I was feeling sick. My husband and I had sex when it was okay. We were told to wait 2 weeks to have sex. But was told 3 months for trying for a baby. And I thought...man I haven't had my period. I feel sick. Maybe, just maybe we were pregnant again. I peed on a stick. POSITIVE. Yes! We were pregnant again. Called my OB. They had me do blood work. The numbers were too high for a new pregnancy. They started spouting out things like molar pregnancy and retained tissue. Needing another ultrasound. I go in to have my ultrasound and there it is retained tissue. So another d and c was performed. It went smoothly. I cried still. My husband was angry at the whole situation. Not at me. But just angry. We decided we would try in December. It would have been 3 cycles from the initial d and c.
We bought Clearblue Easy Digital Ovulation Predictor. I started testing everyday. And on Christmas morning I had a big smiley face staring at me. What an amazing Christmas gift. We did the deed. And 2 weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. Then the worry set in. Is this baby going to stick? Was there something wrong with me? Why didn't they do tests to check? I was on pins and needles the whole time. Sick as a dog though, which was a good sign. I went in at 6 1/2 weeks, heartbeat! The baby was perfect. 71/2 weeks perfect. 8 1/2 weeks perfect. I started feeling a big more comfortable. My dr. was checking me with an ultrasound anytime I had a pain or twinge. He knew I was scared. But my pregnancy was going perfectly. Not a drop of blood. 9 months later I delivered the most beautiful 8lb 15 ounce baby boy by c-section. I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I'm pretty sure my husband and I fought over who was going to feed him and change his diapers because we just loved him so much and was scared to let him out of our arms for fear something or somebody would take him from us.
We thought we were all fixed. It was a fluke like they said. We are destined to have our big family that we wanted. We really truly wanted 6. Now we are down to wanting 4.
When our Little Dude was 7 months old we decided lets do this again. I bought Clearblue Easy Digital Predictor kit and off we went. We got a smiley face. Yay!! We did the deed and 2 weeks later there is our beautiful positive pregnancy test. Yes, you are reading this right. 1st try each time. I decided to take a laid back position on this pregnancy. We had moved I had a new OB who knew nothing of my previous miscarriage and didn't want to see me until I was 8 weeks.
At 5 1/2 weeks I had a little bit of pink spotting mixed with some cervical mucus. I freaked. Called the dr. They had me come in to do blood work. My 1st hcg was 10,000, 2 days later it was only 17,000. The dr. said it didn't look promising. Come in at 6 1/2 weeks to check. After a long, horrible week wait. I went with my husband and there our sweet baby was with a little flickering heartbeat. I was relieved but still freaked out because of the first pregnancy. At 8 weeks I had another ultrasound and the baby was measuring perfectly and heart was still beating. 9 months later I gave birth to my little peanut princess measuring 5 lbs 14 ounces. She was perfect.
As much as we wanted to keep going and have more our dr. said she would prefer I wait until a year after the delivery because I had quite a bit of scar tissue and she wanted me to heal before we were pregnant again. We waited 11 months. Bought our ovulation tests and was pregnant within the month. At 5 1/2 weeks I started bleeding. Brown, pink....spotting. I called hcg levels were done again. They looked like my baby girls levels. So I had hope. We went in at 7 weeks. Perfectly sized baby. No heartbeat. They gave it a week. Still no heartbeat and the sac was collapsing. I had a huge subchorionic hematoma. We had a d and c. They followed my levels down but it took 4 months to go to 0. Our dr. said we could try right away. We gave it a month.
Pregnant again. No problems, no spotting, no bleeding. Went in at 8 weeks. Perfect baby. Heartbeat. Was told to have my nuchal translucency test at 11 1/2-12 weeks. The day before my test. On a Sunday no less, I peed, wiped, and there was brown blood. We immediately went to the ER. No heartbeat. Baby had died. Heartbroken and hysterical I vowed I was done. I couldn't take anymore.
But after coming home and playing with my little girl, I realized if I could have another Little Dude our another Miss Princess it was worth the heartache. I went and had my d and c. They tried to test the tissue but they couldn't. I had 4 tests done. Chromosomes, Antiphoysphollid, Lupus, and Thryoid tested. All normal. Dr. said it still could be a fluke. She was sorry. We could try progesterone as soon as I tested positive.
We accidently got pregnant this past month. 2 months after our d and c. I was feeling sick. We weren't trying. We had sex once. I tested, it was super positive. Went to have blood work, started progesterone. HCG for 11 days post ovulation was 333. Progesterone 4.6. 2 days later HCG 333. Progesterone up to 7. No doubling, no movement on my hcg. We tested one more time. It went up to 335. I stopped the progesterone. I started bleeding a week later. And I'm now just spotting.
I have an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in 3 weeks. Hopefully somebody can give me some answers. I'm not sure how much more my heart can take. I miss my babies. I ache for them to be in my arms.
My amazing husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have been married for 4 years. He was deployed overseas for a little over a year. We were not married at the time. He surprised me that he was coming home a couple weeks early. I was suppose to start AF the day he was coming home. I was on birth control pills so I immediately started a new pack. My cycle went crazy at that point. But thankfully I was able to push AF off for a few days so I could welcome him back properly. He was home for 3 days then had to go back to finish his exit process. So once he left I stopped my pills and allowed AF to visit and tried to start a new pack after. We were married a few weeks later. Off on our honeymoon we went. We flew to Honolulu and had the most amazing time. It was beautiful and perfect. But I knew in the back of my head AF was suppose to show. But she had not. I said something to my dear husband and he was like lets get a test. That would be awesome to find out on our honeymoon. We went to a little convenient store on a corner near our hotel bought a HPT and that is where our journey begins. I pee'd on that little stick. And I had a big fat positive test. I showed him. I cried. He was ecstatic.
Fast forward a week, once we arrive back I had the smallest amount of blood when I wiped. I cried again. I called the OB. Nothing they could do but wait until I could have an ultrasound. At 6 1/2 weeks we had an ultrasound. There it was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen. Our baby. It's little heart just fluttering away. We had a sigh of relief. We received the lecture of "After you see the heartbeat your chances of miscarriage are slim." If only that applied to me. I am officially the one always in the the percentage. We had moved away from our home state where are family was. We were 6 states away. I was on the phone with my mom, standing on our deck, and I felt it. A sudden gush like I had peed my pants. I was 8 1/2 weeks. I told my mom I had to go. Walked in the bathroom without saying anything to my husband, praying the whole time that I had actually peed my pants. But there it was, brown blood. Oh but brown blood is old blood they said on the phone. You are fine. We can have you come in for an ultrasound on Monday. It was Saturday. I went to the E.R. the next morning. I knew. They did the ultrasound. Of course the tech didn't say a word. She left and the wonderful butthead dr. came in. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat. These things happen. Try again. And off we were sent to my OB. I went into the office. I checked my cervix. Said it was closed. We needed to do a d and c. I was all for it. I couldn't imagine carrying a dead baby inside me for weeks. I had become accustomed to touching my belly. Now when I did it on accident I would cry. I had my d and c within 2 days of finding out. Never had anymore spotting or bleeding from the initial gush.
I cried a lot. Searched the end of the internet. Was I going to be able to have babies? Was it really just a fluke? How could this happen? Why can't I stay pregnant? The OB office didn't follow my hcg levels down to 0. About 5 weeks after my procedure I was feeling sick. My husband and I had sex when it was okay. We were told to wait 2 weeks to have sex. But was told 3 months for trying for a baby. And I thought...man I haven't had my period. I feel sick. Maybe, just maybe we were pregnant again. I peed on a stick. POSITIVE. Yes! We were pregnant again. Called my OB. They had me do blood work. The numbers were too high for a new pregnancy. They started spouting out things like molar pregnancy and retained tissue. Needing another ultrasound. I go in to have my ultrasound and there it is retained tissue. So another d and c was performed. It went smoothly. I cried still. My husband was angry at the whole situation. Not at me. But just angry. We decided we would try in December. It would have been 3 cycles from the initial d and c.
We bought Clearblue Easy Digital Ovulation Predictor. I started testing everyday. And on Christmas morning I had a big smiley face staring at me. What an amazing Christmas gift. We did the deed. And 2 weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. Then the worry set in. Is this baby going to stick? Was there something wrong with me? Why didn't they do tests to check? I was on pins and needles the whole time. Sick as a dog though, which was a good sign. I went in at 6 1/2 weeks, heartbeat! The baby was perfect. 71/2 weeks perfect. 8 1/2 weeks perfect. I started feeling a big more comfortable. My dr. was checking me with an ultrasound anytime I had a pain or twinge. He knew I was scared. But my pregnancy was going perfectly. Not a drop of blood. 9 months later I delivered the most beautiful 8lb 15 ounce baby boy by c-section. I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I'm pretty sure my husband and I fought over who was going to feed him and change his diapers because we just loved him so much and was scared to let him out of our arms for fear something or somebody would take him from us.
We thought we were all fixed. It was a fluke like they said. We are destined to have our big family that we wanted. We really truly wanted 6. Now we are down to wanting 4.
When our Little Dude was 7 months old we decided lets do this again. I bought Clearblue Easy Digital Predictor kit and off we went. We got a smiley face. Yay!! We did the deed and 2 weeks later there is our beautiful positive pregnancy test. Yes, you are reading this right. 1st try each time. I decided to take a laid back position on this pregnancy. We had moved I had a new OB who knew nothing of my previous miscarriage and didn't want to see me until I was 8 weeks.
At 5 1/2 weeks I had a little bit of pink spotting mixed with some cervical mucus. I freaked. Called the dr. They had me come in to do blood work. My 1st hcg was 10,000, 2 days later it was only 17,000. The dr. said it didn't look promising. Come in at 6 1/2 weeks to check. After a long, horrible week wait. I went with my husband and there our sweet baby was with a little flickering heartbeat. I was relieved but still freaked out because of the first pregnancy. At 8 weeks I had another ultrasound and the baby was measuring perfectly and heart was still beating. 9 months later I gave birth to my little peanut princess measuring 5 lbs 14 ounces. She was perfect.
As much as we wanted to keep going and have more our dr. said she would prefer I wait until a year after the delivery because I had quite a bit of scar tissue and she wanted me to heal before we were pregnant again. We waited 11 months. Bought our ovulation tests and was pregnant within the month. At 5 1/2 weeks I started bleeding. Brown, pink....spotting. I called hcg levels were done again. They looked like my baby girls levels. So I had hope. We went in at 7 weeks. Perfectly sized baby. No heartbeat. They gave it a week. Still no heartbeat and the sac was collapsing. I had a huge subchorionic hematoma. We had a d and c. They followed my levels down but it took 4 months to go to 0. Our dr. said we could try right away. We gave it a month.
Pregnant again. No problems, no spotting, no bleeding. Went in at 8 weeks. Perfect baby. Heartbeat. Was told to have my nuchal translucency test at 11 1/2-12 weeks. The day before my test. On a Sunday no less, I peed, wiped, and there was brown blood. We immediately went to the ER. No heartbeat. Baby had died. Heartbroken and hysterical I vowed I was done. I couldn't take anymore.
But after coming home and playing with my little girl, I realized if I could have another Little Dude our another Miss Princess it was worth the heartache. I went and had my d and c. They tried to test the tissue but they couldn't. I had 4 tests done. Chromosomes, Antiphoysphollid, Lupus, and Thryoid tested. All normal. Dr. said it still could be a fluke. She was sorry. We could try progesterone as soon as I tested positive.
We accidently got pregnant this past month. 2 months after our d and c. I was feeling sick. We weren't trying. We had sex once. I tested, it was super positive. Went to have blood work, started progesterone. HCG for 11 days post ovulation was 333. Progesterone 4.6. 2 days later HCG 333. Progesterone up to 7. No doubling, no movement on my hcg. We tested one more time. It went up to 335. I stopped the progesterone. I started bleeding a week later. And I'm now just spotting.
I have an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist in 3 weeks. Hopefully somebody can give me some answers. I'm not sure how much more my heart can take. I miss my babies. I ache for them to be in my arms.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Welcome!!-Recurrent Miscarriage
Welcome to my blog. I am Mommyrella. I'm 33 years old. I have a husband who is 37 years old. I also have two beautiful children that I love and adore more than anything in this world. Little dude is 3 years old and Miss Princess is 21 months old. My husband has a wonderful job that can support our family which allows me to stay at home with my sweet kiddos. We have two dogs, two cars, and a house. We have no problems getting pregnant. What we don't have is the ability to stay pregnant any longer.
This blog is about my journey to have our 3rd baby. It will be an outlet for my anger, frustration, sadness that entails going through 3 miscarriages in a row. It will be very detailed and not for the faint at heart. I have read others struggles and tribulations and I hope to have my happy ever after soon.
This blog is about my journey to have our 3rd baby. It will be an outlet for my anger, frustration, sadness that entails going through 3 miscarriages in a row. It will be very detailed and not for the faint at heart. I have read others struggles and tribulations and I hope to have my happy ever after soon.
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