I'm not sure what it is about miscarriages, but nobody speaks of them. I've seen friends on Facebook announce pregnancies as soon as they find out. And then nothing. 9-10 months will go by and it hits me that they never announced the sex of their baby or the birth of their baby. I never say anything because like I said they are Facebook friends, friends from the past, people you don't speak with on a daily basis. My guess they have had a loss. Why do they not post. "We lost our baby." Probably the same reason I don't post, I'm pregnant. I feel like it's private. Why do I? I don't know why. My first miscarriage we told everybody under the sun we were pregnant. EVERYBODY. When we lost it at 8 weeks, I was sad, mad, embarrassed. I dreaded people asking me about it because I would cry right in front of them.
I think we hide because we hurt. But I think by us hiding people are very dismissive of the problem. I've heard...it wasn't a baby, you'll have another if it's god's will, you have 2 children at least. The list goes on and on. We had hope. Just like you had hope when you found out you were pregnant and went on to deliver that child. We think about what it will look like, what it will be when it grows up, what color will we paint the nursery, what are we going to name it...just as you do, but then the rug is ripped out from underneath us, for no reason what so ever. We are left with a hole in are heart, an empty uterus, and an empty heart. I'm not sure how to alleviate the problem. I doubt there is a way. People are insensitive to miscarriages for whatever reason until they have one themselves.
And on a medical note, my HCG is down to 65. I wish it was 0.
With my first pregnancy, I told the world. When I lost it, I found it painful to tell people of our loss, because each time those words passed my lips, it was like a wound had reopened and my heart would break again and again. In addition, I was hurting because I felt so alone and people would say the wrong things and almost act in a dismissive way. I know they meant well, but really they had no idea. You are so right, they don't know what it's like until it happens to them.
ReplyDeleteWith the other pregnancies, I only told a few of my family and a few close friends. I was told by a counsellor that I should let some people know so I have a support network.
Now I'm at the point where I don't talk about it. In my experience they don't want to hear about it, it's too uncomfortable.
I admire you for speaking up about this. I have my own blog that I started on October, and I wanted to write about my experiences. To date, I haven't written a single post about miscarriage. Why? I don't know. I really don't know. I find it easier to avoid it and I use humor as my escape. Plus each time I write or talk about my little ones, it hurts so much, my heart is heavy and I feel sad for the rest of the day. Sometimes, I can't get out of bed.
Last night, I posted the letters we wrote to our first baby, and it was difficult to do. As a result of this, I dreamt last night of a little boy, he was about 12 months old. We were all sitting on the bed and he was saying dada and giggling. I felt so much love for him and when I woke I felt so so sad.
I understand your pain, I know how much it hurts. I know you can feel so alone and sometimes we can feel that our partners don't understand.. I know about all the emotions you feel, fear, anger, frustration, anxiety.
I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know I understand.
I'm so sorry I just found your comment. I hadn't opened the blog email in ages. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a horrible thing to have to deal with. Please if you ever need to talk, I'm here :) I'm going to check out your blog.
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