Not much to post-Recurrent Miscarriage

I don't have anything really to update.  I have to go have blood work to make sure my HCG is back to 0 sometime this week.  I'm pretty sure it is after the horrible contraction like pain and heavy bleeding last week.  I've had no more spotting since.  I'm pretty proud of my body for doing what it was suppose to do after it realized the baby shouldn't stay.  Normally I have to have d and c's. 

I'm looking forward to my appointment but also scared.  I don't want to hear they can't do anything for me.  Keep trying til you have one. 

And I'm currently not able to have sex.  They said we couldn't get pregnant until after the appointment for them to help.  Whenever my husband and I think about having sex, I end up pregnant.  Sometimes I feel like just throwing caution to the wind.  Maybe just maybe it was all bad luck. 

Do I really want answers?-Recurrent Miscarriage

I'm less than 20 days away from my RE appointment.  I'm scared.  I'm scared at what they will find, I'm scared they will tell me I won't be able to have baby number 3, I'm scared they won't find anything.  I truly hope that there is nothing wrong and I just happened to have 4 miscarriages that were all totally different.  That each one was caused by normal reasons and that we are just statistically unlucky.  I want to hear you will be able to have a thousand more babies and NEVER have another miscarriage again.  I know this is very unlikely.  I know that if they don't find something that I will be told to keep going and eventually, maybe I might have another.

I've searched the internet a million times trying to find answers.  There are so many possibilities of what could be wrong.  I just hope if we find out that it is treatable.  And I don't want to have to do IVF.  I don't want to spend that kind of money when we can get pregnant. 

So I wait.  I wait until my next blood draw on Monday to see if my hcg is down to normal.  I started heavy bleeding again Weds. and now back to spotting.  Hopefully my body took care of it now.  This sucks.

Recurrent Miscarriage-A Secret Society?

I'm not sure what it is about miscarriages, but nobody speaks of them.  I've seen friends on Facebook announce pregnancies as soon as they find out.  And then nothing.  9-10 months will go by and it hits me that they never announced the sex of their baby or the birth of their baby.  I never say anything because like I said they are Facebook friends, friends from the past, people you don't speak with on a daily basis.  My guess they have had a loss.  Why do they not post.  "We lost our baby."  Probably the same reason I don't post, I'm pregnant.  I feel like it's private.  Why do I?  I don't know why.  My first miscarriage we told everybody under the sun we were pregnant.  EVERYBODY.  When we lost it at 8 weeks, I was sad, mad, embarrassed.  I dreaded people asking me about it because I would cry right in front of them.  

I think we hide because we hurt.  But I think by us hiding people are very dismissive of the problem.  I've heard...it wasn't a baby, you'll have another if it's god's will, you have 2 children at least.  The list goes on and on.  We had hope.  Just like you had hope when you found out you were pregnant and went on to deliver that child.  We think about what it will look like, what it will be when it grows up, what color will we paint the nursery, what are we going to name it...just as you do, but then the rug is ripped out from underneath us, for no reason what so ever.  We are left with a hole in are heart, an empty uterus, and an empty heart.   I'm not sure how to alleviate the problem.  I doubt there is a way.  People are insensitive to miscarriages for whatever reason until they have one themselves. 

And on a medical note, my HCG is down to 65.  I wish it was 0. 

The Wait

I started bleeding last Sunday.  I am currently down to just spotting.  I went in this morning for my HCG draw to see where we are.  I'm praying it's close to 0.  My body is so screwy though I wouldn't be shocked if it is still 333.  I can't believe we are still trying to have baby number 3.  I never imagined this happening in a million years.  It's heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time.  Now I just want answers and to try again.  I'm having a random pain on the right side right now.  I wonder if I'm trying to ovulate even though I'm still spotting.  We won't be trying again until probably December.